Failures and New Starts

I have been trying to write. I dabbled with different exercises and techniques to get me to stick to writing. None has worked so far.

There was the 52 week writing exercise, which lasted for one short story (not a very good one).

Before that there was daily writing prompts. That didn’t work, either.

During all this, I also attempted to write in my personal journal once a day. That worked off and on.

Yesterday morning I had another brilliant idea. I would create a Google Form called “Discovery for Writing” and in it I would make myself answer a list of questions about a writing project before I even began the project.

Building this form led me to research various things about writing such as PLOT, CHARACTERIZATION, and POINT OF VIEW. I was pleasantly surprised at the wealth of information out there that was easily accessible to me without having to sign up for a university course. (I am not sure why I was surprised… in this day and age of the free Internets).

I wrote a Pledge yesterday. That was actually part of an exercise I am doing by following James Scott Bell’s book on Plot and Structure. I stumbled across Bell’s informative book by a long series of article jumps that I won’t bore you with here (I was looking to learn more about PLOT, my greatest weakness).

As part of the new exercise, I’m going to to document each step of my learning and writing here–I’m going to try to post something about what I’ve done each day so I can hold myself accountable.

Today:

  • Joined a couple of online writing groups.
    • Critiqued someone’s work
    • Posted some of my own work
  • Finished Chapter 1 exercises from Bell’s book.

See you all tomorrow, then!

The Vessel

A space ship that has literally everything. It would allow me to go virtually anywhere.

The Unrequited Love Poem

Okay. So this is not a poem. The writing prompt project asked me to write about how I feel when someone doesn’t love me back.

I can pin point this to an exact moment. Grade ten, I was 15. I was in love with Kris, my best friend. I met Kris in middle school and we became friends one day when we walked home together.

It took me one year to realise I had a crush on him. It took me another year to get up the courage to tell him.

Kris had stayed home one day because he was sick. I think he was really just cutting class. Lia Kim and I had been talking about how much I liked him.

So we went to see him. And we were in his kitchen when I told him. I couldn’t even look at him when I said it.

Kris was so calm. He didn’t miss a beat. He said it was better if we stayed friends because we had such a good thing going as friends.

It killed me. I felt like I suddenly could no longer face the world. I don’t know what I had expected him to say. Perhaps I was hopeful? I had so many fantasies of how a life with Kris would be like if we were both in love with each other–but in that one instant, all that hope was gone.

Then came the self doubts. Why didn’t he want to be with me? He had told me he thought I was amazing once. He looked me straight in the eye and said it, so why didn’t he want to be with me?

It took me a whole semester to recover. I kept to myself and stopped eating lunch with everyone. I literally could not face anybody.

At that time, I didn’t understand how attraction worked. I thought that if two friends thought of each other as amazing, then naturally they should be together, right? I was clueless about chemistry. I don’t think I even felt a sexual attraction for anyone at that point. I had girlish crushes, but anyone who’s felt sexual attraction for another person would agree that a crush and sexual attraction are not the same thing.

Kris really liked this girl, Jocelyn. Back before I spilled my guts and got shot down, I always asked him why he liked her. His answer was always, “she’s got big boobs.”

To me, Jocelyn was a superficial fob who wouldn’t really be friends with us if she wasn’t so foreign. She wasn’t funny, kind, or amazing (all traits Kris had attributed to me at one point). Why did having large breasts suddenly top all of those things?

Now that I’m a woman in my thirties, I understand completely why Jocelyn’s breasts won out over any other connection for a 15 year old boy. I wish this was something I could have learned much earlier in order to save the months of hurt and isolation I put myself through. Still, I’m glad I learnt my lesson, anyway.

Unrequited love. If unchecked, it becomes an obsession.