There is so much to say, yet I am not quite sure where to begin.
So I have a son. Finley Tsai Macdougall. We meant to use his Chinese first name as his Anglo middle name, but we didn’t like how the Chinese names translated to English. So we used my Chinese last name instead. This is our contribution to keeping a part of my Chinese heritage. Finn is also part of the Tsai family now.
But what is the Tsai family, really? Our family is now at its most fractured. Physical distance was really the only thing that held us together. Love? Companionship? Turns out distance took away all those things for us. Whose fault was it? Which parent was responsible? I guess it’s never a single person’s fault. I know that now. A marriage works only if all parties involved work at it. A marriage fails as well because all parties involved have given up.
Off on a tangent. I have to get all this out before Finn wakes up again. That’s my life now–my days revolve around Finn. Feeding Finn. Soothing Finn. Changing Finn. Bathing Finn. Staring at Finn. I have so much love for this little boy–more love than I ever thought humanly possible. I can’t stand to watch movies or read books in which a parent loses a child. It hurts too much.
Life on the farm is good. It’s wonderful, really. I have to dedicate another entry entirely to it later.
This entry today is about the use of this site. I pay an annual fee for this domain, yet I barely get any use out of it. It’s my own fault. I neglect this place. I have too many places for my thoughts and feelings. I keep a written journal; I have an on-going “letter to my offspring” thing happening. I talk to Jamie. I talk to my family. I talk to Michelle. There are too many places for me to deposit my thoughts.
Thoughts, once off-loaded, are no longer trapped in my head and there is no longer the need to discard them here.
It is now a couple of hours later. Finn woke up and needed to be changed, then fed, and then put back down again. Rohan adjusted my lower back so now it feels much better.
I have a plan. I plan to write here more often, but starting with at least once a week.
So… until next week!