So I missed a few days, in between. Sorry about that.
From 2009 till now, many things happened, though most of it can be summed up by one thing.
At 24, I moved back into my parents’ home. I took up studying full time and gave up looking for full time work. I had attempted to work full time and study full time in the 2 previous semesters. It resulted in nearly going on academic probation and being let go from my job for calling in sick too often.
Moving home at 24 presented its own challenges. At the same time, I was recovering from ending a long term relationship.
That four year relationship marked my early twenties. We were both young and optimistic about love. We both thought as long as two people loved each other, nothing else would matter. But in the end, the things that came between us (our physical distance, the impossibility of us ever being able to live in the same country) broke us.
Like all break ups, it was hard. It was the typical long term relationship; we had became each other’s best friends and we only made time for each other. Near the end, we were spending so much time sitting at our computer (this was a time before Smart Phone) to chat with each other that we forgot to live the rest of our lives. Our friends fell away, our work, our ambitions.
Breaking up was sad, especially when it’s with a best friend.
So I took a few months to mourn the end of a friendship, and the end of a life that we thought we could make into reality by simply wishing it so. I reinvested in my life here, and he did the same over there. We moved on, grew up. It helped me a great deal at the time to have a “break up buddy”. A friend of mine I had lost touch with since high school was going through a break up as well, so we resolved to stay single together.
We went to all our social events together. It was easier to ween off of always having a date that way. We didn’t have to feel like the single girl at a party by ourselves; because we would just be single together. Strength in numbers. My break up buddy got me through some really tough times.
It was also then that I took up knitting. Being fired from my job and breaking off a relationship made me feel like I needed to accomplish something, even if it was as small as learning how to knit. I remembered the basics because 2nd Aunt (my mother’s 2nd oldest sister) had tried to teach me years ago, when I was just becoming a teenager.
Gradually I started dating again. I met the Hubs at the end of 2009. We began dating in 2010. At the time, I had no plans to make long term plans, with anyone. We were in love and living life from day to day, and that was good enough for both of us.
A year, two years passed quickly. The Fall after I turned 26, the Hubs took a job offer. We talked a great deal about the opportunity he had and about our relationship. It was then we realised we wanted to stay together, no matter what.
From 2012 to 2014, we maintained a long distance relationship. I was able to stay with him for a few months at a time, thanks to the new job I found that allowed me to work remotely from the States. We married quietly in 2014. It’s a relief to know that we don’t have to be apart again, not unless we wanted to.
Today is the last day of my 20’s. I turn 30 tomorrow. As many others who’ve turned 30, I have been reflecting on my accomplishments in life.
In a old journal entry I had written when I was 22 (yes, I still have them), I had foolishly made a “Goals” to accomplish by 25, then by 30. The one “goal” I wrote down for myself to achieve by 30 that still bothers me is: “write and publish a novel.”
See, while I can say that I have been working on writing projects, I still have not reached the one goal I set for myself 8 years ago.
I let myself off the hook so many times in these last few years. I’m busy with work. I’m busy with school. I’m busy with my relationship… in the end it’s really about what I prioritized. Being a published writer is difficult, and believing that you can actually become one also sounds arrogant. So I’ve just been hiding behind excuse after excuse.
That’s one thing that’s great about finally turning 30… that I finally have the balls to tell myself to stop fucking up the things I fucked up in my 20’s.
As for today, and this weekend: I have been really lucky. I get to spend it with a person I love, and who loves me back. I get to be with the person who’s been my best friend for the last 5 years. I get to be with the person who loves the stupid kid I was, the stupid kid I am, and probably the less stupid adult I will become. I am so lucky.
We drank wine last night, watched Kingsmen. Today, we picked peaches from the peach tree our landlord grew outside our door this weekend. We picked all the tomatoes we grew (okay, he grew, I didn’t do much…), and the beans.
Standing there holding the bucket to catch the peaches the Hubs drops, the sun shining in my eyes, the late summer breeze blowing up my dress, we’re both laughing and making jokes… there I am thinking: I’m not where the 22 year old me thought I would be… but the 30 year old me wouldn’t want to be anywhere else but here.