May 31st

That’s how long I have before I have to exit this wonderful country of liberty, freedom, and equality for all. Nothing like a ticking count-down timer to push your inter-country long term relationship to move forward.

My understanding of politics is medium to minimal and my understanding of economics is even less than that–forgive me if it sounds ignorant when I exclaim that I wish that we could all just be citizens of Earth and do away with borders when it comes to our mobility. It’s ironic of me to say this because I inherently dislike travel. I suspect it may have been a result from the dramatic displacement I felt when our parents made the decision to immigrate us to a society that was drastically different from the one I born into.

And now I fear change. Sure, I still embrace the excitement I feel upon facing change and I still face change, but I fear it regardless. It gives me anxiety until the change passes and I am on the other side, settled again. I imagine it like going through a tunnel when I was a toddler, not knowing if the total darkness would last forever, and then coming out on the other side to see that the sun is still shining.

I find that relationships are much the same. At least the long term relationships. We go through these tunnels from which I can’t know if we will escape. And then we do and we are happy again. Yet every single tunnel we come across is a new question of will we survive it or will we not. I feel like I should just know that we will get through every one of these. The uncertainty of it is daunting and I wonder if this uncertainty is a side effect of my rotten childhood or a symptom of us. Will I feel like this in all other relationships? Or would I only feel like this in this relationship?

I can’t know. This is the first real long term relationship I’ve ever had. There’s nothing for me to reference except the knowledge that my own outlook on relationships is colored by my parent’s actions.

Then I see other couples who seem to be always happy and I wonder of that’s real. I suppose anything is possible. I know that when we are happy, it seems to me as if our relationship is perfect and all the dark times are just bumps in the road.

And there’s the other choice. I can go through this life alone and only have myself to rely on for happiness and fulfillment. It seems like the most desirable option sometimes but there’s always the question of whether that would truly make me happy. There was that silly promise I made to myself shortly after Krys disappeared. I thought that I would spend the rest of my life alone if I couldn’t spend it with him. How much of that am I holding on to?

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