Hormone Break

Today marks the first menstrual cycle I’ve had off of birth control in three years. This time there was no warning, no pre-menstrual hormonal battering of my emotional state of mind. No cramps. Sure, the gassy part of it stuck, but that’s just one of those lucky things about being female, I guess.

The pain is terrible. I’ve experienced cramps in the last three years, and while they were bad enough that I noticed, they were not like this. I remember asking a doctor about cramps once, and she gave me this long explanation of why it hurts. Something to do with swelling of the vaginal (or uterus?) lining in order to receive the egg as it drops. As well, the more swollen the lining gets, the better to protect your egg.

So is the cramping supposed to worsen as I age?

I remember in high school. I NEVER FELT A THING. I would watch my girl friends whine and moan around me, and some even got sick days out of it, and I always wondered: what the hell is “cramps” and why don’t I ever feel anything? Even in my early twenties, I’d hear young women and colleagues talking about having to use heat packs, or letting their cat sit on their laps, in order to lessen the pain, and I still wondered: WAT?

Even when I got smart enough to start “using” this as an excuse–simply going up to a male boss and saying.. “I don’t feel so good……….” and holding my abdomen: the universal sign that women troubles are too painful to bear. It always required a fair amount of acting for me, because I never actually felt cramps.

If I got to pick what gender to be, I would be a gay man. I don’t like women, but I also don’t want to have swollen anythings once a month just so one of my precious, WASTED, eggs can feel safe. WHAT ABOUT ME, EGG? DID YOU EVER THINK OF ME???

Please, no jokes about swollen gay man penis.

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