This is a journal I wrote in September, 2010. Two years later, and the feelings have only intensified.
Wednesday, 01 September 2010
Metamorphosis: A More-Than-Love LetterYou inspire me.It’s simple. There aren’t many words I can use for how you’ve transformed me. It’s like you’re my fairy god mother. You make me feel that nothing is impossible.It’s only been nine months, yet it feels like we’ve known each other for at least ten thousand life times. It’s like we share one consciousness, and that we’re simply two different sides of the same coin. I can live without you, I could go on without you, but nothing would be the same for me again if you were gone.
I’d given up on feeling like this. To be truthful, I didn’t believe anybody felt like this. I believed in love, marriage, family. I believed all that worked on a foundation of trust, respect, companionship, and those things were enough. I had those, before. I have had trust. I have had respect. I even have had a semblance of love–an affection that comes with comfort and familiarity with another human being. Those ties that bind, or so they say. Trust, respect, companionship. These things were what I knew. These things were what I saw around me and what I believed to be the most that anybody could ever hope for in a lover, family.
But then there was this.
I was skeptical, thinking it was all about the initial excitement. It will wear off eventually, I’d think, and we’d be left with trust, respect, companionship. I was happy enough with that.
There is no word to explain what this actually is. I can call it passion, but passion fades. This just seems to get stronger and stronger with time. Love isn’t a befitting word, either, since I know for certain I’ve loved before, but none of them was anything close to this. I can’t find a word beyond that. So instead I will outline all the aspects of this.
This makes my skin tingle and burn, where ever you happen to touch. Even an accidental grazing of the elbows as we stand in the kitchen, side by side, making dinner. It makes a lasting impression, and sometimes I wonder how long it would take to cover every inch of skin. Do we have years? Yet even forever doesn’t seem like enough.
This makes me take pause. When there is a last bite left on my plate. I take pause and look to you, an offer, in case you’re still hungry. When you speak. I take pause to listen. Really listen and process what you’re saying before I can give you a proper response. It’s turned me into a more considerate person, but I guess only when it comes to you.
This makes me scream. Still. At any given time, I feel as if I could burst and all of it could all overflow. I try to keep it in. I keep my lips sealed and my arms folded, preventing any leakage, afraid it’ll all flow out of me and I’ll have gone dry. I was mistaken. It’s a constant, endless stream. If I don’t let some out from time to time, I most certainly will burst. Implode. So I move my lips to kiss you and to tell you how much I love you. I use my arms to wrap around you and try to include you in my bubble of this. I let it all overflow, spilling over the two of us, like in the shower when we stand under the same warm stream. It feels like it’ll go on forever.
This makes me smile. Really smile from the heart. Funny expression. It’s really a reaction your brain induces, a tightening of the throat, leading to an ache in your chest area as the muscles constrict. So really you are smiling from your brain. But anyhow. I smile like this in the mornings when I wake up and you are already awake, staring. Your eyes are piercing blue, and your face so close to mine that our noses touch. You are usually smiling, too.
This makes me laugh. The kind of laughing that hurts the laughing muscles in the abdomen. These days, I am constantly laughing. At things you say, things I say. More often at things you do. Most often when you laugh. Your laughter drives mine, or does mine drive yours? I can no longer tell.
This makes me sure. Confident. I don’t believe. I know with certainty, now. All of the things I want, I will have–with certainty. It’s a gift that I never asked for, but I appreciate all the same. It’s made me better and stronger.
So stay, for today, tomorrow, forever and beyond. Because this is simply too rare to walk out on. This doesn’t happen to just anybody. This is beyond the edge of impossibility. This is more than just love.